Relaxation, in a kajillion easy steps.

This is the path I took to get to Relaxation:

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First, a confession. I had planned, after returning from the getaway, that I’d post some pictures captioned with a few key thoughts on how to relax. A neat and tidy ten steps and you too can be as relaxed as I am. This makes the egotistical assumption that a) I was able to achieve a state of relaxation, and b) I have something to teach you about relaxation.

Let’s get something straight: I’m not the one to teach anyone anything about relaxation techniques. For this very reason, I had to fire myself from my position as a yoga instructor (another story for a future post). Lately I’ve become the most tightly wound, least relaxed person I know. I cry and/or shriek at the blink of an eye, and I never ever run out of things to worry about it. I am an obsessive worrier (this is where my mind feels most at ease), and I’m also a perfectionist. This is a lethal, hair pulling combination when you have CF, because there is always something new for me to worry about, and because I will never, ever come close to any sort of perfection. Perfect combination for a shit storm of anxiety.

So consider yourself warned: don’t come to me for relaxation techniques.

The vacation didn’t start out well when S fell fully clothed into a body of water a moment before leaving for the trip. Even though it was an accident, and a funny one too, I took it as an omen. I was already nervous because my dear friend had emailed the night before to let me know that she was feeling a cold coming on and wanted to give me fair warning. I was so appreciative of the advanced notice which gave me an opportunity to make a decision. Most people aren’t interested in keeping their germs to themselves, only bothering to mention the cold post-sneeze, after the wet nosespray or explosive cough cloud of germs renders the “Oh did I mention I’m sick” somewhat useless. I was distraught. My mind’s broken record went something like this:

we’ve been planning this for months

i’ve been working on regaining my health for months

i don’t want to live in a bubble

i don’t want to make a stupid choice that will potentially send me to the hospital

i don’t want to miss this trip

i need to be with my friends

i need to think of my heath first

we can reschedule for a better time

will there ever be a “better” time?

why oh why do i need to even make these decisions and take these things into consideration??

The trip happened, and happened well, but not without a few rug burns on the way courtesy of my devoted companion, CF. CF made an issue out of a total non-issue. It made me doubt myself and my decisions, it made a few of my dearest friends doubt me too. It made me want to curl up in my bed and never leave. All this over something that should be so simple and relaxing.  Vacations are fun, right? Well, when you can’t stop thinking about all the meds and equipment that must be packed, or what happens if a med gets forgotten, or what happens if treatments get skipped when the strictly adhered daily routine flies out the window, or the possibility of getting sick either during or after the trip, or simply getting worn out because of the trip…that hammock swaying in  the breeze, bookended by two palms, seems a lot more trouble than it’s worth. On vacation, you don’t get hit on the head by the shoe falling, you get hit on the head by a coconut. Two different paths to the same destination: sick and screwed.

Relaxation takes work, forethought, and planning. Even though there were countless reasons not to relax, I was finally able to let down my shoulders a bit, stretch my toes in the sun glazed air, and even take a few deep breaths. And those moments made me realize that even if I do get plonked by a falling coconut and end up in the hospital with an exacerbation, the getting there feels a lot sweeter when I’ve just come back from a vacation.

I want to share some of that sweetness with you: (hover on picture for caption)

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Dedicated to L and R, for overlooking the many reasons it is difficult to be my friend, and especially for giving me so many sweet moments to savor, like peaches from the best peach tree.

Today’s Poem: (click on link to read entirely)

From Blossoms by Li-Young Lee

From blossoms comes

this brown paper bag of peaches…

Gone fishin.

I’m going away for a few days.

For the first time in a long time, the trip will be for pleasure. I’m hoping to learn how to relax again. I’m hoping that relaxation is a skill similar to bike riding: once you’ve done it, even if you haven’t done it in years, all you need is a little push to get going again.

S and I will drop the angel and the dog off at grandma and grandpa’s where they will be well fed, well rested, and well taken care of.  I hear there are plans for a visit to the hair salon (for the angel, not the dog), and a visit to Staples, because both the angel and her grandma are nuts about index cards, markers, white erase boards, notebooks, and pens.

After the big hand off, we’ll continue on down the road, driving to a remote hut in the desert to reunite with a few friends. Our gathering has become a tradition. I’m not one for traditions, and I don’t like holidays much either– I prefer the small, unexpected pleasures of an ordinary day– but this happens to be one celebration I’m happy to break out the streamers for.

My packing list consists of the usual truckload of medications,

sweatpants and flip-flops,

a stack of books,

and this:

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We’ll drink to health, to traditions worth holding on to, and to bare weekends made of piles of books, chips to dip in just-cut salsa, and the rare luxury of sitting down together without a plan or a to do list, the sun above us our only timekeeper .

Salud.

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In praise of sun and sweet idle.

Today’s poem: (click on link to read poem in its entirety)

Soaking Up Sun by Tom Hennen

Today there is the kind of sunshine old men love…